Dale Carnegie is changing yet an other life. He just collected an other soul through his How to Win Friends & Influence People.
Throughout this classical piece of thorough research I couldn’t help but think how wrong I have behaved my entire life. Why, just why did I not read it in high school?!
It is a great gateway to revelation and growth. It tells you the truth. It makes the truth come to the surface, magically, by itself. After a few chapters, ideas started to pop in my head. Ideas, such as whom I want to write to, why, and what should I say. Acting to these impulses already got results and I have found an answer to the question that bothered me for a year or so: How to be genuinely interested in people. The answer is a bit ridiculous. The thing is, and I knew it, that this question is a paradox. One cannot apply a learned method to do something sincerely. The fact of it being an applied technique taught by someone, is making it insincere. Sincerity comes from the heart.
However, there is a solution: Listen, dig, listen, dig more, listen. People love to talk about themselves or the things they are passionate about. We are all the same. Once you get to listen to someone, truly, and dig deeper to their stories, it becomes clear. Whether you are interested in what someone is saying or not, you will feel soon. If their thread of thought inspires you not and they focus only on their own glory, not including you in the dialogue, feel free to seek further to find your people. If the way their mind works is captivating and they include you in the conversation, that means, even if they do most of the talking, they let you listen by answering the questions you ask and do not wander away; they specify details that are blurry to you, and show interest in you – then you have found an honest connection. Narcissism and egocentricity breed jealousy. Mutual interest breeds long-lasting relationships.
Conversations are not so much about being able to say something, but about being willing to learn new things, and listen. Winner is the one who asks the most, the most thought-provoking questions and is able to pay attention to other people. We appreciate most when people notice our effort. When we get a compliment or a question on something that we have really struggled for to achieve, we get stars shine in our eyes. Somebody understands me! Eventually, all we seek for are genuine relationships whether we know it or not. To understand an other person fully and to have an other person understand you fully – the vulnerability and joy it breeds flies you to the moon and lets you sing among the stars. It is only achievable through sincerity. For someone who hasn’t experienced that, I might be talking gibberish and they might be susceptible to con that leads them to think that what they feel is right. Pay attention to your conversations and the truth is told. Is your friend interested in you or in themselves? Pay attention to how you speak to your friends. Are you interested in them or in yourself?
One of the desires that surfaced while reading it was self-development. I want to be a better friend, to speak better and more languages. I want to write better. I want to draw, paint, think, work, love, cook, learn and travel better. I want to improve and I’m willing to struggle for it’s achievement.
Out of all the things I have struggled for in life, I cannot remember pain. Did i forget it or can struggle be painless? Should struggle necessarily feel painful?
Carnegie doesn’t answer the latter, but it brings clarity in much more important aspects of life. Buy it. Read it. Read it again. Get it here:
Great write up, with some real values behind it. Asking questions when someone tells you about something to do with them so that it doesn’t sound like an interrogation is a skill but pays off.