How to support a friend who’s lost someone to suicide

9 points to consider if your friend has lost someone in a way like that: scroll below.

On the last day of April I learned that my brother was gone the night before. The kind of pain that has followed is indescribable.

Grief is individual. It is a common misconception that it takes 40 days to grieve and then you’re okay. Or that you should be fine after the funeral. In the case of suicide, even the common steps of grief don’t apply the same. Classic steps: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kübler-Ross, 1969) don’t happen the same way for suicide survivors (Knieper, 1999). Just to clarify, a suicide survivor is the term used for those bereaved of someone by suicide, these are the people around who have to live with the burden. And burden it is indeed. It is common to feel that the social support is lacking either because the survivor perceives it so or that stigma has truly kept people at bay (Knieper, 1999). Commonalities are also depressive symptoms that are either just depression or complicated bereavement which are difficult to distinguish. It is not uncommon to develop PTSD. Suicide survivor’s grief is found in many studies to differ from other grief in that there’s more guilt and feelings of responsibility and less social support (Sveen & Walby, 2008).

The classic stages through the eyes of a survivor

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. That’s the order they should follow. The first reaction for me was shock, and a glimpse of relief because how hard he had struggled. That relief was there for a millisecond and hasn’t returned as a feeling, only as thoughts to explain and help me cope.

The shock stayed for at least 6 weeks if not longer. Still, three months later, I occasionally get the realization that this is true and I can’t believe it. In that regard, denial is strong. However, what anger can you feel in a time like this? I could not for a long while. The next thoughts were about what I could have done to change the course of things. I knew that self-blame in this case would be common, so it must be important to let the thoughts go by and not block them nor keep them around. This was all mixed in while still being confused, shocked, partially in denial.

Still no anger. Also no depression. Only despair and inability to function properly. I cried on the bus, i cried in class (at least it wasn’t mine to give). I cried on the bike, I cried in shower, on the toilet, or when brushing my teeth. I could stop to breathe. And continue while eating. I cried when I had to tell someone about it. The days I felt better were deluding me to believe things would be better in general. The better I felt for other things the worse was the fall when grief took over again. It’s not something I’d wish even to an archenemy if I had one.

Focus? What is that? What does it mean to read a page and understand it correctly? And yet definitely this was no sign of depressive stage. I had role models. I saw what can happen if you don’t let yourself feel or if you let it become your identity. My life has to go on and this had nothing to do with my choices. Feel the pain and carry on?

Anger came later when I realized that by taking his life, he took all the pain he’d ever felt, multiplied it by the amount of grievers left behind and gave that amount of pain to each of us. A common feeling has been grieving for the loss of the other ones left behind. Feeling the pain they feel. It hurts.

All in all, the stages were mostly happening together in a mix, with only a dim amount of anger. I feel like acceptance is also there, but it’s not a final stage in this case. Even though I’ve formulated for myself a coherent narrative to explain his life how he got to the point, confusion remains. It’s only so soon so the wavelengths have just prolonged, the waves haven’t disappeared and I’m glad that finally, other things in life can make me cry too. That’s a good sign. And I promise myself, what he did will not become my identity.

How to be there for suicide victim’s family or any suicide survivor?

1. A suicide survivor, like anyone grieving heavily won’t “function properly” so if you catch yourself saying “Reach out to me, don’t be alone in this,” you have good intentions in mind but it is the same as leaving them alone in this. You should be reaching out to them to check how they’re feeling because they most likely won’t. Either because they’re busy crying or dealing with their emotions in another way, or because they may be afraid of stigma or burdening others. If they reach out to you, it may be because it’s already too hard to bare that people don’t check upon them or if they feel better already. Either way…
2. When they tell you today that they had a good day, don’t expect it to mean you need to stop checking on them. Grief goes in waves and you may never know, especially at the start, what may trigger the feelings and thoughts.
3. Give them the benefit of the doubt whatever the case. Functioning is poor, hence inhibiting improper reactions will not work well. They’re going through something you hopefully have no idea about and hopefully will never know how this feels so just accept that they have shitty feelings and you don’t know what stirs more shit up. That doesn’t mean walking on eggshells. If they say something hurtful, give them time to reconcile. If they don’t, it is okay to set your boundaries and talk about how you felt a little later.
4. It’s common to want to say something “right” to make it go easier on them. Sharing your condolences is good, but it’s better to admit you have no clue how to behave or what to do. That let’s them tell you how to be with them. As I said, grief is individual and hence what I felt what would have helped me may not be the best for someone else. One possibly universal option is to not say much but just be there and listen, give a few reflections to indicate you’re listening, by summarizing briefly what they have said or how they may feel. It was surprisingly good to hear someone say “This sucks.”
5. Put their feelings first. Someone who’s lost a family member or someone really close to them should never have to condole someone who barely knew the deceased. It is simply inappropriate to talk about how you feel after hearing about it or to start crying so much that you lose control and they have to be there for you. They told you because they give you the chance to be there for them and they possibly need that. Or they need you to consider their trauma in your interactions. In every case, this sounds very much politically incorrect but everyone who’s been through something like this would agree: your pain in this moment regarding their loss does not compare. They are not emotionally in a place to help you or condole you. Their cup is empty. If you really feel strong feelings and this pain is intolerable that you must cry in shock, try to let them know your pain comes from a place where you’re sorry they have to go something like this, that you have no idea (if that’s the case).
6. The case of sharing. If you have lost someone to suicide, I’ve found hearing these stories helpful. It has also helped me understand them better. Hearing how the path to getting used to the new situation went helps to be prepared and to look out for common traps.
7. Retelling is retraumatizing. It hurts more when having to tell that this happened, to admit it’s part of their narrative. So if you know about it, don’t necessarily stir and ask directly. “Do you wanna talk about it?” is generally a safe thing to ask if the conversation has drifted there. It would give them the chance to weigh if they really want to open the Pandora again. I would have found it helpful if I had had to tell a few friends and they would have told other friends that this happened and I’m fragile and need support. This of course is individual. Some may want nobody to know in fear of stigma or in fear of having to think about it again and again.
8. For some who are not friends with their feelings, any mention of it would make things worse. For those, it could be helpful to ask about other things, share other stuff, ask their advice. Running away from feelings and blocking them is a short term strategy to deal with pain and it won’t help for very long, but it may give them the chance to see they are not left alone and have time to process it in their own pace.
9. What my therapist told me. Grief won’t start until a coherent narrative is in place to explain you why this happened. At the start, confusion is probably high so let them talk through any idea they may have as to what would help them create that narrative if they open up. If not, I think it is okay to ask them what they think why this happened and mention you want to know if they have the story and not necessarily have to hear it if they don’t want to share.

References

Knieper, A. J. (1999). The suicide survivor’s grief and recovery. Suicide and Life‐Threatening Behavior, 29(4), 353-364.

Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). Grief cycle model. On Death and Dying.

Sveen, C. A., & Walby, F. A. (2008). Suicide survivors’ mental health and grief reactions: A systematic review of controlled studies. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 38(1), 13-29.